The Home Health Aide (HHA) hired to spend an hour with Mom every morning helping her shower, dress and get ready for the day, knocked and banged on her door yesterday morning, but Mother couldn't find the door. Luckily the front desk had a spare key. The HHA got inside just in time, as Mother was about to brush her teeth with an analgesic cream that bears a poison warning on the tube. The shower was running, the bathroom faucet was running, and Mom couldn't figure out how to turn them off. She did manage to close the plug on the sink, so water was about to spill over and flood the bathroom.
Susie the Care Manager decided when she heard all this that Mother is in need of 24/7 care. And she's right, my sister and I were just deluding ourselves that she could be left alone 23 hours a day. Judy's now busy looking for a private room in a nursing home, hopefully one that will offer a modicum of space and excellent care for less than $5K a month. She also has to make sure that MedicAid will kick in when Mother's savings have been wiped out.
She will also be stuck with the moving, getting rid of most of Mother's possessions and somehow convincing Mother that she'll be happy with the new arrangement.
Should I have extended my stay until I was sure she'd be OK with just the HHA? Was my whole trip wasted because we were pursuing the wrong course?
On the drive home from Tucson, the Capt and I talked about the pros and cons of offering to bring Mom to Mexico. The pros: There's a house available a few yards from our door that we could have for $500 a month, and we could probably hire excellent live-in care for $1K a month, or a real nurse for $2K. After years of looking after her, my sister would finally get a break. The cons: if she outlived me, she'd be better off in the US. She has a fear of people of other races, and has no Spanish. And my sister would probably oppose the plan, as she considers me a lifelong flake (with some justification, I guess). And the biggest obstacle, to be honest, is that I'm ambivalent about the whole idea.
"Give me ambivalence, or give me something else."The Capt.
10 comments:
Bliss -- Time spent in caring for those we love is never wasted. I look back on your blogs and see the marvelous time you spent with your mother while you were in Oklahoma.
Life is not a problem to be solved. Circumstances now require a different course. A difficult course. I would be doing the same type of reevaluation you are going through. We are problem solvers.
What I would tell me: get on with the relationship. You will never overcome the circumstances of this world. But your continued presence of care will make all the difference. I do not need God to solve my problems; I need His presence. I pray the same for you and your mother.
Sometimes it is hard to know what to do. You did what you thought what best, it didn't work out so time to try another route. Wish your sister luck in her new search.
It's the inevitable steps that we all have, or will have, to go through at some point! Thankfully this all happened when the HHA was trying to get in! It WAS a gift. If something disasterous had happened all of you would have blamed yourselves. Thank God you know now that another course of action is needed.
Bliss,
I am really sad that this is happening to your family.
There's no way any of us watching from the outside can understand what you're going through or presume to have the answers.
You and your sister will make the right choice for you both - I know whatever you choose, it will be hard.
Paul and I send our most positive thoughts your way.
Nancy
I think Steve said it all!!
Steve - You're right, the time wasn't wasted. I provided a lot of affection that she's been needing, and I got a clear wake-up on where she's at with the disease.
Brenda - A big part of the process is discovering what all the routes are so we can make an intelligent choice. Wish we didn't have to feel so rushed about this.
Babs - Amen to that! It's a miracle she was stopped before she used that toothbrush!
Nancy - Spoken like a true friend. Thank you.
And amen to Steve.
Bliss, my heart goes out to you.
God will never give us more than we can handle, and will also give us the tools and wisdom to handle it.
Much prayer and an open mind and ear to hear is all that is necessary from us.
Thankfully !!!
Good luck with the whole situation and God Bless you all.
A fellow "Flake"-I so understand :-))
Mata ne
Liz
1st mate, So sorry the solution didn't work for a while. I'm glad that you and your sister are working on this together. I was the "local" help for my dad and my sister who lived 9 hours away supported me in everything I did. It was a great comfort to me to have her to talk to everyday about what had to be done.
Bliss, it's funny but my family thinks that I am a bit of a flake too. It's because I do things that the rest of the family wouldn't do. Move away from the family, take chances etc.
As for moving your mom to Mexico, it is my understanding that people in her situation do best when they can have family members regularly check up on them. Staffs are overworked even in the best of places so if they know someone is coming to visit they get a little more attention.
You can probably provide a better level of care in Mexico for less money, but you will need to supervise a lot more than if she was in a "facility" which means your travel will be a bit more restricted until you find someone reliable.
My heart goes out to you and your sister. I know that you will make the best possible choice.
regards,
Theresa
Bliss,
I'm sorry to hear that the situation did not work out. You must know that this is not an easy situation and you are doing the best you can. I think the hardest part of dealing with my Nan was that she was not able to express any appreciation for the work my mom and the rest of the family put in, the time spent making sure all was well. She may never be able to thank you, but you must know that you are a wonderful human being doing a great thing for your mother. All will come together and you will find a solution that works for everyone involved.
While all this is happening, you must remember to be good to yourself as well. My mother ended up making herself sick with worry and stress over the whole event. A normally happy and healthy woman she practically had a nervous breakdown, ended up with ulcers and temporarily in a wheelchair as the strain and stress entered her own body. Be good to you my dear. I'm sending you some positive energy from down Cancun way.
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